How to Host a National Convention

Some politicos among you may be looking forward to the upcoming Democratic National Convention in Chicago the way normal people look forward to the Super Bowl (without the entertaining commercials) or a Taylor Swift concert (without the dance moves or costume changes).

Preparations have been underway for more than a year, and the festivities (mayhem?) kick off in less than two weeks. But it’s never too late for some backseat driving. As a loyal Chicagoan invested in my city’s success, I’ve scoured the historical newspapers for advice on hosting such a momentous event. Notably, none of these pearls of wisdom come from 1968.

To the Chicago mayor, Illinois governor and all the convention organizers frantically taking notes, you’re welcome!

DO consider your health.

Both physical and financial:

At Denver the Democratic party will have the advantage of that “cool mountain air” which has been recommended as salutary for a deliberative body prone to hot-headedness. It will also have the advantage of a donation of $100,000 in gold, offered by the city—which, indeed, was the deciding influence in favor of the Colorado proposition. . . The Denver hotels may be relied upon to get it back.

– The Glenwood Post, January 18, 1908

DON’T forget the libations.

The selection of Chicago as the place of holding the coming Convention is somewhat peculiar. Republican National Conventions have been held in Chicago so often that pious people have concluded that the sole reason why is that Chicago whisky has a more patriotic and enthusiastic effect on the average Republican politician and statesman than the whisky of any other town on the continent could possibly produce.

This reason, although it smacks slightly of a reference to poor whisky, will be accepted in political circles as a powerful one, for it is conceded, and not questioned, that the fluid alluded to is mighty factor in a campaign, from the day of opening until the hour of closing the polls.

– The Dillon Tribune, December 16, 1887

DO consider the messaging.

In thinking about what is liable to happen at the next Democratic National Convention, and wondering who the unfortunate victim will be, we are reminded of how Pat popped the question. While out walking in the moonlight with his “intended” he carried her to the family graveyard. “Jennie,” he began, “all my people are buried here. Wouldn’t you like to be buried here too?”

– The Hartford Republican, March 23, 1906

DON’T rest on your laurels.

Not content with having the largest building and the biggest exhibition on record, Chicago is still uneasy. There is no competitor within sight, and yet she is not happy. There must be a still larger building. The Democratic Convention, which is to be held in that city in July, offers a good opportunity. There are buildings which will hold 10,000 people, but these are not large enough. A gigantic building of iron and glass is therefore in course of construction, which will be capable of seating 15,000 people. This immense structure will occupy 5½ acres of ground, or 285,000 square feet. . . Speical railway and telegraphic communications will be supplied, and everything done for the convenience of the delegates. . . After this Chicago might really take a rest.

– The South Wales Daily News, April 16, 1896

Then and now, Chicago lives up to its reputation as the Windy City.

DO incorporate tradition.

But no need for something new, something borrowed or something blue:

Ossin Guthrie, of Chicago, will present to the National Democratic Convention a gavel with a peculiar history. The head is made from a piece of oak timber taken from the corner of the old block house Fort Dearborn, in 1856, by Fernando Jones. The handle is constructed from the trunk of a tree found 20 feet below the surface of the ground and below the glacial drift, at the corner Thirty-ninth street and Cottage Grove avenue. This wood is believed to be 7,000 years old.

– The Butler Weekly Times, July 9, 1896

DON’T forget to keep up with the times.   

Tradition only extends so far:

Dinosaurs 5,000,000 years old are being dug up in Asia. Don’t worry. None will run for president.

– The Bismarck Tribune, August 21, 1923

Personally, I’ll be casting my vote for Mary McDowell, the Angel of the Garbage Dump. She was robbed of the nomination in 1932 (and 1928, 1924, 1920. . .). But she’s less than 5,000,000 years old, so still a viable candidate!

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