We’ve all been there: the guy sitting next to you on the bus isn’t wearing deodorant; you’re rushing to check out at the store, but there’s a Karen in front of you; or my personal hell, someone is walking too slowly on the sidewalk ahead of you.
Who you gonna call? Not the Ghostbusters—you’ll have to take the law into your own hands.
Disclaimer: As a legal doctrine, citizen’s arrest is at best confusing and at worst used to justify racially motivated murder. No one reading this blog should actually attempt to arrest anyone.
Nevertheless, the historical newspapers are full of accounts of upstanding citizens restraining wrongdoers and making the world a safer—or at least, more entertaining—place. Clearly, each of them had read Second Glance History’s guide to stopping crime in its tracks in three simple steps.
[Mrs. George Bittlemorgan, of Liberty, Va.] was left in the house alone with her two little children. . . she fancied she heard a slight noise in the hall below, but, it ceasing in a moment, nothing more was thought of it. When she returned to her sitting room, however, she soon noticed that the clock had stopped running. It was an old fashioned eight day piece nearly nine feet high and very massive.
Mrs. Bittlemorgan, thinking it had run down and needed winding, started toward it with the intention of getting it going again, and had nearly reached it when she saw a man about to dart out of it. As he made the movement, however, he brought the clock down on its face and upon himself as well. In trying to get out of the way he tripped and fell over a rug.
Before he could scramble from under its very considerable weight the quick-witted lady seated herself on the clock, calling at the same time to the children to run out of the house and scream for help. This speedily came, and the man, who confessed to having secreted himself in the clock for the purpose of burglarizing the house, was carried to jail, and Mrs. Bittlemorgan much complimented on her bravery and presence of mind.
You don’t need to be Kevin McCallister and set up fancy booby traps to catch an intruder. Especially if your unwelcome visitor is a klutz, they’ll do most of the work for you with whatever supplies you have on hand.
Step 2: Be courteous.
Richard Webb, a medical student, on being disturbed in the early morning, saw a man in an adjoining bedroom carrying an electric torch. After a strenuous struggle, Webb overpowered the intruder, who was surrounded by a litter of articles removed from the drawers.
After tussing up the burglar, Webb telephoned for the police, and while awaiting their arrival, invited his prisoner to have supper. The burglar accepted some cake, but declined milk, for which he said he had not much liking.
When hosting someone in your home—even if they’re uninvited and arrive at inconvenient hours—don’t forget to mind your manners. If robbers can be pleasant while ransacking your home, you can be polite while restraining them.
Step 3: Choose wisely.
They manage these things better in Denmark. At Copenhagen a young lady who caught a pickpocket red-handed has been presented with a diamond brooch and a flattering letter of thanks by the Director of Police, and an offer of marriage by a Danish journalist. Which of the two, the journalist or the pickpocket, is the greater catch remains to be seen.
If you’ve successfully interrupted a nefarious deed, congratulations! Sit back, bask in the adulation and choose your reward with as much care as someone clambering out of a massive clock.
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Disclaimer: The modern era is far from the first to grapple with rampant “fake news.” As I am neither a historian nor journalist, I make no claims about the accuracy or lack thereof of the above sources. I assert only that they make for a good story.
Welcome to Second Glance History! This blog seeks to uncover the people and the stories forgotten by history and give them another read through a modern lens. Join me every week as we examine the differences that divide and the common threads that connect the then to the now.
Not sure about burglars, but I find for every day crimes, the Sarcasmatron works wonders:
“Y’know, if you turn your grocery cart SIDEWAYS, you can block the whole &*^*& aisle, instead of just MOST of it!”
😂🤣 You should win an award for restorative justice! 👏