Whalecome, dear readers! All aboard as I spout off another story. If you’re not a fan of killer whale puns—see what I did there?—this is your cue to walk the plank.
If you’ve spent even five second perusing this blog, you know I’m all about timeless tails, er, tales. However, just like every superhero movie ever, some narratives need to be updated for a modern audience.
Today, I—by which I mean, the Bendigo Independent out of Victoria, Australia—am putting a new—by which I mean, 1910—spin on the classic story of Jonah and the whale. You didn’t actually expect anything “new” at Second Glance History, right?
According to Merriam-Webster, a gumsucker is not someone who improperly chews gum, which was my guess, but rather “an Australian especially from Victoria—used as a nickname.” From the Bendigo Independent, November 18, 1910.
The Book of Jonah begins with some panicked sailors weathering a storm at sea. Likewise, our new-and-improved version also opens with some serious freaking out.
One of the employees at the Bega whaleries (reports the Sydney Sun) is recovering from a mixed attack of fright, hysterics and fainting. He was engaged cutting up a whale a day or two ago, and when he had cleaved away the flesh from one side of the stomach he saw what appeared to be the fully dressed body of a young lady lying inside.
At first he thought she was dead, and he was considering the advisability of going off to report to the police when the young lady rubbed her eyes and sat up. The whaler fell off the whale. But the young lady was not even a ghost.
In this retelling, it’s not God’s fault our unnamed protagonist ends up in a whale’s belly:
It appears that she suffers very much from rheumatism. Somebody had told her that to get inside and stay inside the body of a whale for a while would cure her—that, in fact, Jonah was cured of chalky joints and rheumatic gout in the same way.
I can hear her mother now: “If Jonah jumped off a bridge, would you?”
Because crossovers are all the rage, let’s throw in some Sleeping Beauty.
So she climbed in and lay herself down to sleep. Her sleep was peaceful. The reverberation of men’s feet on the outside of the carcass did not wake her, and it was not until daylight was let into her blubbery bedroom that she awoke.
Rookie mistake. She should’ve been more specific when searching for accommodations on OceanBnB.
Poor Jonah got the short end of the stick. He had to spend an entire three nights in a smelly whale, his ticket out was via the vomit comet, and after all that, he ended up with heatstroke. If I were him, I’d demand to talk to the manager. Don’t be surprised if the next reboot is called Karen and the Whale.
Meanwhile, next time your rheumatism flairs up, please consult your doctor before beginning a new whaleness routine.
Me, cracking myself up. From the Australasian, August 7, 1915.
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Disclaimer: The modern era is far from the first to grapple with rampant “fake news.” As I am neither a historian nor journalist, I make no claims about the accuracy or lack thereof of the above sources. I assert only that they make for a good story.
I ran out of my storehouse of “What the hells?” about halfway down this post.
Elyse
For the sake of both our blogs, thank goodness “What the hells?” are a renewable resource!
Marilyn Canna
One. Of. Your. Best! Had a whale of a time reading this. Did Miss Jonah have a name? Ahab, Ishmael or Starbuck would have been too good.
Elyse
Thank you so much, Marilyn! I’m relieved to hear all the killer whale puns weren’t actually killer. 🙂 Alas, her name is lost to the ages, but Miss Starbuck has a lovely ring to it. That’s what I’m going with!
DANNEMUND
If I read this correctly, this weird ass person totally crawled her ass into a whale…? Goodness
Welcome to Second Glance History! This blog seeks to uncover the people and the stories forgotten by history and give them another read through a modern lens. Join me every week as we examine the differences that divide and the common threads that connect the then to the now.
I ran out of my storehouse of “What the hells?” about halfway down this post.
For the sake of both our blogs, thank goodness “What the hells?” are a renewable resource!
One. Of. Your. Best! Had a whale of a time reading this. Did Miss Jonah have a name? Ahab, Ishmael or Starbuck would have been too good.
Thank you so much, Marilyn! I’m relieved to hear all the killer whale puns weren’t actually killer. 🙂 Alas, her name is lost to the ages, but Miss Starbuck has a lovely ring to it. That’s what I’m going with!
If I read this correctly, this weird ass person totally crawled her ass into a whale…? Goodness
Rookie mistake? 😂😂😂
Who hasn’t been there! 😉